Sprung

Spring has sprung, and so has the cloud of seasonal affective disorder, bringing a bit more energy and optimism to my perspective!

Desperately needed, too, given the state of things. Which, decidedly, are not the focus of this post, or many others – not just because I exist in circumstances of relative privileges, which I acknowledge, especially considering the harsh realities of living with my bodily circumstances otherwise.

More importantly because this is one of those spaces where conscious media consumption means

• recognizing that there is more to know than can ever be known or kept in my brain at any given time in the information age,
• recognizing that things I tell my brain is important (by giving them attention that provide gratification/rewards/dopamine) will shape my emotional landscape and reactionary patterns,
• choosing to focus things that keep me present, open, and aware that I may more fully participate in life rather than focusing on things that repeat broken old narratives that only serve to keep one a slave to oppressive systems, and
• sharing to inform or inspire rather than to control or fear-monger.

Most people, places, and things are out of one's control, and we must do what we can, where we can, to the best of our knowledge and capacity.

Pain has been a real concern for the past few weeks – while the seasonal depression lifts, a few days of False Spring and rapid weather changes (Barometric Pressure Sufferers: welcome!) has made it largely impossible to do very much of what I would LIKE to do with this improved mood.

[Fibromyalgia completely aside: I had a spinal fusion in high school that has aged itself into degenerative disc disease, facet joint arthropathy that showed up 10 years early, and osseous bridging (read: bone growth INSIDE the fusion) that gives my discs less and less space to communicate properly with my brain, sending pain out pretty much everywhere, every time it rains. Rain is pretty bad. A bad snowstorm can be felt a couple of days in advance. Thunderstorms are horrid for the intensity of the shockwaves (once spent a rehearsal rolling about a basement floor) but usually short in duration – fog is the absolute worst.]

But you know who can do a lot less? Someone recovering from a cancer-induced double-mastectomy. I can't lift more than 10lbs, but that's 10lbs more than my friend could. Not much of a tube-drainer, but heck, could I tell you about the zen habits of managing unending and very distracting pain. I can get up to grab the meds and when the weather is especially bad, I'm so good at endorsing community couch naps because REST IS IMPORTANT WHEN YOUR BODY IS ATTACKING ITSELF AND/OR TRYING TO HEAL.

The amounts of physical effort I can produce are pretty sporadic – like, if background work would just take my submissions, I could go back to sitting around looking pretty and getting paid to do what amounts to a lot of waiting around...but even to get anything done in my own home, it's hard to know when I will Have The Energy to do even the most basic things.

[I should maybe tangent here to explain that "feeding myself" can be its own Herculean Task given the cost of foods that fit a restrictive diet and the amount of time and effort required to keep those costs to a minimum, and three days in a row of being able to do nothing other than prepare food and nap because the weather isn't having a high pressure system of sunshine really sucks for making concrete plans.]

So maybe I'm not doing all I want to do – but I've been so humbled over the past month in knowing that I am doing what I need to do, and that me as I am was enough to do community aid that not everyone could just drop everything in their lives to participate in, that I cannot argue with feedback I have received that maybe, just maybe, I am enough as I am? Whoa. Stop the presses.

Other things I've been up to:

• I have gotten some gardening in – both in terms of stewarding the existing plants on the property as well as starting some plants from seed for later
• Finished a needlepoint/cross stitch pattern set of the Greek alphabet(agamma...) that I guess I need to figure out how to sell on here?
• Getting the home rightly prepared for my Beltane Solar Return Barbecue so we can, like, get to know our neighbors?

These things lift me up: participating in stewarding the earth, creating community, producing content and materia that is useful or inspiring or helps folks on their own path. It's not avoiding what is happening; it's building resistance and resilience to it.

Rest and repair in a society that demands capitalism, grind, and ultimately the kind of white cishet privileged normativity that keeps systems and people too broken to function is a radical thing, so if I am limited in what things I can do, may everything I do be toward the liberation of all beings.

Photos forthcoming in an edit. Really need to figure out how to post these from my email so I can drop the pics in easily. Too many spoons right now.